Letter to Aiden: Bye Bye Newborn

A-Ball,

I just disassembled your bassinet. The one we used to lay you in when we first brought you home. It has been sitting in the corner of our room now for four months, even though you haven’t fit in it in over two months. I got a little choked up as I pulled the pieces apart. First, I unscrewed the mobile that you used to stare at with your blurry, newborn, grey eyes and it made me remember how your dad and I would desperately try to keep the mobile running for you. You loved the vibrations, music, and lights. So we had to make sure we had all three running to keep you calm. You only “rested” in the bassinet. We couldn’t keep you in there for long because you wanted to be close to us. I think you only slept in there two nights on your own for maybe three or four hours! I always let you sleep next to me, or on me, but when we first brought you home you were so small that I was afraid that I would somehow hurt you so we would lay you in there and would rock the cradle until you fell asleep. Sometimes, I would wake up in a panic, looking for you, only to find that you were in fact safe and sound asleep next to me. Relief would overcome me and I would rub your sweet little head, which at that time was as big as my hand and I would go back to sleep. But other times, my panic attack would last a bit longer because you weren’t next to me and I would have to peek inside the bassinet to find you swaddled and cozy because your Daddy had put you in there after he spent over an hour in the living room playing Cold Play on the iHome until you fell asleep.

Then, I removed the base. We would push the bassinet right up against the bed so that we could peek in every two seconds--not just because we were paranoid or because you were waking up crying to either eat or to be sung to, but because we literally couldn’t  (and still can’t) take our eyes off of you. You are so perfect, so handsome, so adorable, and so amazing. I remember rocking and shushing you. I remember Daddy swaddling and singing to you. And I remember both of us stubbing our toes on the base of that cradle!

I feel like I have been packing up things you have outgrown as quickly as I have been bringing home new things for you to play with. I have packed up loads of clothes and your infant bathtub too. You are no longer my fragile, little newborn. You are my body building infant! As much as I like to reminisce about you being so small and even though it makes me a little sad that it went by so fast—I have to admit I love and am so excited about you growing up. So big, so strong, so happy. You are so playful and curious and you always have the biggest smile. Every stage of your life so far has been more exciting and rewarding than the last.

As I packed up your bassinet, I said goodbye to you being a newborn. I never imagined a baby was such hard work, everyone said it was, but I didn't fully comprehend until you were in my arms. You slept so much, but you ate so much too--every hour! I had never been so challenged physically, mentally, and emotionally (but I would do it over a million times). Well, my sweet angel, it wasn’t easy but it wasn’t unbearable either. There were so many changes that came along with you—things I couldn’t have possibly prepared for, but we did it, we made it to infancy! 

Love, 

Mama

Letter to Aiden

Dear Aiden,

This Friday, I will be 7 months pregnant! It is exciting but scary at the same time to know you will be in here in just two months. We're scrambling to get as much done as possible before you get here. Your Grandpa has been working so hard on our house in preparation for you. He has transformed our house into a home. Great Grandpa textured all the walls for us and Grandma has been helping too; she painted every room. Great Grandma Toddy, Auntie Bri, and Uncle Chris have been helping too and they are already spoiling you rotten! Right now, the floors are getting done so that we can finally buy furniture and put your room together.

Your daddy is already day dreaming of you. I saw him in your room last night just looking around with a big grin on his face. When he caught my eye he said, “I’m just picturing his room and imagining it all done with little Aiden in it.” A couple of nights ago, he told me that he can already see you crawling around the living room floor while he watches football with Ricky. He dreams about you too. Sometimes he will wake up, kiss me on the cheek and will say, “I had dreams of Aiden last night, he looked so cute.” You are so real to him now, especially now that he can feel you moving. I grabbed his hand on Saturday morning. You were kicking me really hard, non-stop from 7-8am! We were half awake anyway, excited for your baby shower that was happening that afternoon. I pulled your dad’s hand over to my belly. You usually stop kicking the second I get his hand there, but this time you didn’t. You gave him a swift kick and I felt him jolt with surprise, “Whoa! He wants out!” I rolled over and saw his expression of sheer joy and utter surprise and couldn’t help but laugh.

Its incredible feeling you move. When I first felt you, you were about 16 weeks. Then, it was only a slight flutter. Almost like feeling a muted heartbeat in my belly. But now, I can feel you turning and hiccuping and even kicking. You are so active and I love feeling you move. I rub my belly and talk to you until you settle back down. Your development has been right on time. Every week we read about how our baby should be developing, and you are always on schedule. It’s comforting. Comforting, because I already feel so connected to you and protective of you and it feels good to know that you are healthy and developing properly. I have had a few times when I panicked. When I was only 6 weeks, I noticed some slight bleeding. I burst into tears as I dialed the hospital. I was scared to death. I called your dad, my mom and the nurses. Finally, the Dr. called me and told me it was completely normal and not to worry—relief overcame me in waves and tears ran down my face as a smile quickly appeared “Thank you God,” I whispered as I hung up the phone. Or when I felt a sharp pain, like I did when you were 18 weeks. I rushed to the hospital, only to find out that you were perfectly fine, you were just positioned in a place that caused ME pain. I was so relieved, I told the Dr. “He can cause me whatever pain he wants, as long as he is ok.” It was then that I realized how much you have already changed me and how much I already love you.

Just like your daddy, I find myself daydreaming of you all the time. I think about what kind of parents we will be and how things are going to be so different from now on. Different in a way that I am so excited for! Last night, I realized this will be the last Christmas your daddy and I will spend alone. It wasn’t a sad thought; it was a happy one, to be reminded that our lives will be forever changed in just two months. You will soon be with us making our lives even more meaningful and blessed. I also realized that other feelings like boredom is something I will not be feeling for a long time—at least until you hit your teens and start spending more time away from home. Having you growing up in front of us is going to make even a Tuesday night at home an adventure.

Almost every other second I picture what you will look like (usually, you look like a mini-daddy when I think of you--cute dark haired, dark eyed, tall and all smiles). I picture you saying your first words, taking your first steps, riding your bike, constructing forts throughout the house, throwing the ball for Tigre and Ruthie, running on the beach. I can hear you saying your prayers before you go to sleep.  I picture you holding your grandpa and grandma’s hands as you go hiking with them. I imagine you coming home and telling me what you learned in school, and staying up all night with you while you cram for a test or try to finish a report. I picture you and your dad getting decked out in Giants gear to head to the game with your Auntie Bri and uncles. I imagine you running up to me with critters in your hands that your Uncle Chris gave you, “Can we keep them?!” I can see you backing your dad’s Corvette out of the driveway to pick up your prom date. I imagine you applying to colleges and coming home to tell me that you are in love and getting married. Thinking about it makes me start to cry (mostly, because I'm hormonal!). You are still developing into a baby but my mind has already begun thinking about you growing up into a man. And as quickly as the thoughts rush through my head before you are even here, I know that I am not too far off, that pretty soon you will grow right before my eyes turning from a beautiful baby boy to a handsome man and I will be wondering where my baby Aiden went. I told your dad that I had literally imagined your entire life and thought of you getting married, and before I could tell him that I got ahead of myself and that we haven’t even “met” you yet, he smiled at me and said, “It's true, it will all happen before you know it.” And it will. Life moves so fast and I can’t wait to enjoy every bit of yours with you.

Love,

Mommy